This is a guest post from Bonnie Way, founder of the blog The Koala Mom. Bonnie Way is a mom of 5 children ages 7 to 17, including two neurodiverse children. She is a veteran homeschool mom who works from home as a blogger, author and content creator. When she’s not chasing her kids or writing, she can be found cycling with her partner or hiking in the parks around her home in Vancouver, BC.
Sleep Training a Toddler
My babies were all terrible sleepers. I co-slept with them and breastfeed on demand. As a young mom, I was heavily influenced by good friends who were into natural parenting and opposed to sleep training. I figured that sleepless nights and exhaustion simply went with the role of being a mom, and I eagerly waited for the day my babies grew into toddlers who could sleep through the night on their own. Looking back, I realize I could have made this process easier by asking more questions about sleep training and finding help in this area, rather than assuming it would resolve itself.
When I was expecting my fifth baby, I did begin sleep training my youngest, who turned two just before her brother was born. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lay down with her to help her fall asleep once her baby brother arrived, and I wouldn’t be able to help her get back to sleep in the middle of the night if I was also trying to keep a baby asleep (or nursing a baby).
I got a sleep toy that played soft lullaby music and projected a calm, gentle scene onto the ceiling. I’d stay with my toddler for ten minutes while she lay quietly watching the scene, then I’d slip away. Then I began staying only five minutes, and then just saying goodnight, turning on her sleep scene, and leaving. By the time the baby arrived, she was falling asleep on her own and sleeping through the night, and guess what? It hadn’t been traumatic or difficult for either of us. Why hadn’t I tried it sooner or done it with her older sisters?
Sleep Training a Child with ADHD
My youngest baby was just as poor at sleeping as any of his older sisters. I tried using a baby swing to help keep him asleep but even that hardly helped. He remained a restless baby who didn’t nap well and didn’t sleep well at night. I continued ignorantly on hoping that, like his sisters, this would eventually resolve (maybe by the time he was two?).
I was sitting on the floor in his room one evening when he was four years old, scrolling through my phone while I waited for him to fall asleep, and barely awake myself, when I realized this wasn’t working. It took me one to two hours every night to help him get to sleep. I had to stay in his room until he was asleep; otherwise, he’d leave his bed and start playing with his toys. I tried playing music, playing stories, playing a rosary, playing white noise, playing nothing.
I was also beginning to realize that my son had ADHD. He wasn’t just struggling with sleep, but also with potty training and social skills. I had to constantly manage his behavior, which meant that by evening, I was exhausted – and I still had to help him calm his body down enough to fall asleep. Something had to change. I found a potty training course designed for parents of children with special needs; the course and the rewards that helped my son learn how to use the washroom cost me around $1000, but it was worth it when my son was no longer wearing diapers and having accidents.
I stumbled on the potty training course by accident; in many ways, I also stumbled on the solution to his sleeping problems. I wish I’d known about sleep consultants and had some guidance, because parenting by trial and error is difficult and stressful. I’ve also realized that I struggle, as a mom, with consistency; when something doesn’t work as soon as I expect, I give up too easily. The potty training course helped me stay consistent and keep doing it until it worked. I could have used similar support in sleep training.
My Son’s Sleep Routine
What worked for my son was to establish a very consistent bedtime routine over the next two years. This took slow steps and a lot of patience, but now, he is the easiest child to put to bed. (Please tell me if there’s a way to sleep train teenagers too?) Here are the things that help my son:
1 – Start with an active day. My son is very hyperactive due to his ADHD, so he needs to spend time on the trampoline outside, swinging on his sensory swing inside, building a fort with his play couch cushions, running, biking, hiking, swimming, etc. If I can build one solid active period into his day, plus a lot of other active play, then he has a better bedtime.
2 – Our bedtime routine is the same every night. First I send him to put on his pajamas. Then he gets his vitamins and I help him brush his teeth. When that’s done, he picks a bedtime audiobook (usually a 30-60 minute story on tape or CD), climbs into bed, gets a hug and a goodnight blessing, and I start the story and turn out the light and leave the room.
4 – This routine can be used by any caregiver. I’ve listed it out for babysitters. However, it has often failed when a babysitter is doing it instead of me. That throws off my son’s routine and he finds it hard to calm down. Again, sticking to it has helped here. I’ve had the same babysitter come babysit him on several occasions now, and after two high-energy evenings when he wouldn’t settle and was still awake when I got home at 11 pm, he did fall asleep for her on the third evening, and since.
3 – Create a place conducive to sleep. My son generally only sleeps in his bed, so when he climbs in and lays down, that’s a signal to his body that it’s time to relax. His window has blackout blinds and curtains on it, so his room is completely dark at night. He doesn’t have a night light (although we have used this in the past, and transitioned away from it). He has several fuzzy blankets and I prioritize comfort at night, so he’s allowed to sleep shirtless if he wants in the summer, or without his underwear (just his pajama bottoms). The story is played as quietly as possible – just loud enough for him to hear it, and just loud enough to cover the noise of his older sisters who aren’t yet in bed. Often, he listens to the same story over and over again.
4 – If he’s having a particularly dysregulated or hyperactive day, then I’ll add another calm-down step before bedtime. This is either bath time (as he finds water very regulating and calming) or having me read a story aloud to him while we snuggle in the corner of the couch. I’ll provide plenty of warnings about the transition from bath time or story time to bed time, but these can help set the stage for a good bedtime routine even on days when he’s otherwise struggling with his ADHD.
5 – I use melatonin. I give him the smallest possible dose (around 1 – 2 mg) with his multivitamin. I’ve dropped his melatonin from his sleep routine, but then he’s still awake an hour after bedtime when his story ends and he comes to find me. At this point, he needs not only the external calming supports but also some internal calming supports to help his body wind down at the end of the day. (My son does not otherwise take medication for his ADHD.)
Finding What Works for You
If I’ve learned anything in eighteen years of being a mom, it’s that every child is different (even my five who share the same two parents). This is the sleep routine that worked for my son. Maybe something similar would work for your child, but it may take some trial and error to discover the perfect combination of soothing, calming activities to transition into bedtime. This is where a sleep consultant can help you with suggesting ideas, encouraging consistency, and addressing any struggles that come up.